My Immortal
by Kelly Mareher
Summary: The prep version of My Immortal, by Tara Gilesbie AKA xxxbloodyrists666xxx. So goffik people, no flaming!
1. Best of Both Worlds

Chapter 1.

AN: Special thanks (get it, 'cause I can spell properly) to Tara Gilesbie , xxxbloodyrists666xxx, for writing the original, totally "goffik" My Immortal.

Hi, My name is Ivory Light'ness Alzheimer's Robin Jonas. I have long blonde hair with pink streaks and blue tips and warm brown eyes that look like chocolate. A lot of people tell me I look like Hilary Duff (AN: If you don't know who she is, you've been living under a rock the past decade). I'm not related to the Jonas Brothers, but I wish I was because they are major fucking hotties. I'm not a vampire, so my teeth are straight and white. I have tanned skin. I'm a witch, so I go to a magic school in Scotland called Hogwarts, where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm not a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly pink. I love Hollister, Claire's, American Eagle, Wet Seal, Delia's, Aeropostale, and Abercrombie and Fitch, and I buy all my clothes from there. For example, today I was wearing purple corduroy skinny jeans from Delia's, an aqua-blue V-neck shirt from Wet Seal, and my white Converse had smiley faces on them. I was wearing pink sparkly lip gloss, purple eyeshadow, and a hint of mascara. I was walking around outside Hogwarts. It was sunny out, which I was very happy about. A lot of emos stared at me. I told them to cheer up.

"Hey, Ivory!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was Draco Malfoy!

"What's up, Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: Do you enjoy the regard of proper grammar and lack of "goffikness?"


	2. If U Seek Amy

Chapter 2.

AN: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Fanfiction wasn't letting me into My Stories; was it doing that to anyone else? Or perhaps it just hates me? Ah well...

The next day, I woke up in my bedroom. It was sunny again. I climbed out of my bed and drank some Pepsi from a can I had. My bed had a wooden frame that was painted white, and the blanket was made of this pink shiny stuff, with flowers on it. I took off my giant Camp Rock t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a pink and purple cotton (Eco-friendly!) dress, a heart shaped locket, and silver ballet flats. I put in some pink stud earings in my pierced ears, and straghtened my hair.

My friend Sharpay woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long curly blonde hair with purple streaks, then opened her sky blue eyes. She put on her white American Eagle t-shirt with blue and yellow flowers on it, with a plaid mini, and her tan coloured Uggs. Then we put on our make up (pink lipstick, white eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara).

"Ontario Management Finance Group, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Gryffindor common room and into the Great Hall.

"No, I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah, right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I replied flirtily.

"Guess what?" he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Miley Cyrus is having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love Miley. She is the best music artist ever, besides the Jonas Brothers.

"Well... Do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Poker Face

Chapter 3.

AN- You guys get the joke, right? It seems most of you do. Oh yeah, I don't own the Miley Cyrus lyrics.

On the night of the concert, I put on a pair of red and blue plaid ballet flats. Then I put on a cute yellow short sleeved shirt, a faded pair of blue jeans, and a pink bangle bracelet with rhinestones. I felt really cheerful then, so I read Twilight and I listened to the Jonas Brothers. I painted my nails bright blue and Tons of mascara. Then I put on some orange flavored lip gloss. I put on some blush to make my skin even rosier. I drank a Pepsi so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of the castle. He was wearing a Jonas Brothers t-shirt (they'd be playing at the concert too), a red American Eagle shirt, and no makeup.

"Hi, Draco!" I said cheerfully.

"Hi, Ivory!" he said just as cheerfully. We walked into Hogsmeade and listened to Lady Gaga on his iPod on the way there. We glared at some kids who were smoking. When we got there, we went to the very front near the stage and danced as we listened to Miley Cyrus singing.

"So I put my hands up

They're playing my song

And the butterflies fly away

Noddin my head like yeah

Movin my hips like yeah

I got my hands up

They're playing my song

I know I'm gonna be ok

Yeah, It's a Party in the USA" sang Miley (I own nothing!)

"Nick is so hot," I said to Draco, pointing as he walked onto the stage with his brothers, filling the place with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we danced to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's okay. I don't like him better than you!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively, and he put his arm around protectively.

"Really." I said. "Plus I don't even know Nick, and he's going out with Miley." I said, thinking of what a great couple they made.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some Orange Fanta and asked Joe and Miley for their autographs and photos with them. We got concert tees. Draco and I started walking back to the castle, but instead he led me towards the Forbidden Forest!

AN- Gasp.


	4. Pocket Full of Sunshine

AN- I really can't bring myself around to ever writing this, can I? But I've got no excuse not to work on it today. I'm sick and nobody is on facebook chat! The "Ontario Management Finance Group" bit wasn't that hard, really, I just googled OMFG. Oh, this chapter was a fun one to write. Trying to protect readers' innocence can be so amusing.

"Draco!" I shouted. "What do you think you're doing?"

He didn't answer, but he walked into the Forbidden Forest. I followed him, curious.

"What the fudging hell?" I asked.

"Ivory," he said.

"What?" I snapped back.

Draco leaned in extra close (since regular closeness is boring) and I looked into his gray eyes. I noticed that he had colored contacts with the words "so much depressing sorrow and evilness." I found this amusing, and suddenly I wasn't mad anymore.

And then Draco kissed me passionately. He climbed on top of me and we started to make out against a tree. He took off my top and I took off his clothes. I even took off my bra. Then he put his thingy (shoe) into my you-know-what (cardboard box) and we did it (putting his shoe into my cardboard box) for the first time.

(AN- Yay for putting shoes in cardboard boxes while in the nuddy-pants! :D)

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. (AN- I always get orgasms when putting shoes in cardboard boxes while I am in the nude, don't you?) We started to kiss everywhere and my body began to get all warm. And then…

"What the hell are you doing, you mother fuckers!?"

It was Dumbledore!

AN- Don't you goffs dare give me good reviews for this.


	5. You Belong With Me

AN- Hehe, I m writing this right after the previous chapter. But I don t really have any idea what s going on in the version Ms. Gilesbie wrote. What am I going to do about it? I m gonna kill some damned zombies. Actually, I plan on just forgetting the original and making stuff up. But I ll throw some zombies in there, if you really want.

Dumbledore made Draco and me follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

You ludicrous fools! he shouted.

Ludacris? Like, that singer?

Dumbledore put a hand to his head.

I started to cry tears down my face. (AN- this makes me wonder what the hell was wrong with Tara Gilesbie. As opposed to crying tears down her face?) Draco comforted me. When we got back to the castle, Dumbledore took us to Snap and McGonagoalie. They were very angry.

Have you taken up a career as a soccer player? I asked our Transfiguration professor.

Dumbledore ignored this and shouted, They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!

Why would you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces? asked the goalie.

Gosh, people came up with such creative insults nowadays. I started to say that we weren t having sex, he was putting his shoe in my cardboard box while we were in the nude, but Snape interrupted me. How dare you?

Because I love her! Draco shrieked.

Everyone went quiet. Dumbledore and McGonagoalie looked mad still, but Snappy said, Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.

Draco and I went while the teachers glared at us.

Are you okay, Ivory? he asked me.

Yeah, I guess, I lied. I went to the girls dorm room and brushed my teeth and hair and changed into a green pair of short-shorts and a brown and purple tank top. I put on silver ballet flats. When I came out, Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and started to sing Burnin Up by the Jonas Brothers. I was so flattered, even though he wasn t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said good night, and he reluctantly went back to his room.

AN- I really should stick Ebooby in here somewhere, shouldn t I? :D 


	6. Knock You Down

AN: shjt up goffz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me baaaaaaaaad revows! (I'm a sheep lol)

The next day I woke up in my bed (As opposed to…?). I put on a jean miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red hearts all over it and silvery flats. I put a pair of diamond earrings in my ears. (Well that's odd, I usually put my earrings in my purse.) I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Cheerios with milk instead of blood because I am a regular person. Suddenly, someone bumped into me. All the milk spilled over my top.

"Oh, no!" I shouted, because you shouldn't be calling people bastards if they just accidentally spilt milk on you.

I was glad I didn't shout "bastard!" because I was looking into the pale white face of a preppy boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He had glasses because that's canon, and he wasn't wearing contact lenses just like Draco's and there was a scar on his forehead still. He had a girly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy Ukrainian accent. He looked exactly like Daniel Radcliffe. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one, you sicko.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. (AN: Yes, Tara, you usually are questioning something when you type a question mark. Gold star!)

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Harry these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because that's my first name." he giggled.

"Well, I am not a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

AN: Hey guess what I admin for the Enoby fanpage on Facebook and there's almost 666 fans JOIN IT D:


	7. Hello Goodbye by the JONAS BROTHERS

AN: Thanks to my one ginger friend for the French translation. I expect it's crappy, though.

Draco and I held our hands (mine had nail polish and Draco's didn't because guys don't do that usually) as we went upstairs. I was wearing pink rings on my nails. I waved to Harry. Dark misery was in his green eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then we started frenching passively.

"Je m'ennuie. Pouvons-nous deshabiller et mettre vos chaussures dans ma boite de carton de nouveau?" I asked in a blasé manner.

"Oui, bien sur. Ou est votre boite?" he asked, beginning to sound excited.

"Je l'ai juste au-dessus ici," I answered, reaching for the box while he took off his shoe. "Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm, when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a red heart with an arrow through it. On it in pretty writing was the name Harry!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping up.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you bloody idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDS anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big shoe but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and ran until I was in Harry's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"HARRY POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. I Will Always Love You

AN: I may do a dramatic reading.

Everyone in the class stared at me, and then Draco came into the room even though he was missing a shoe. He started begging me to take him back.

"Ivory, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend Hermione Granger smiled at me. She flipped her bushy brown hair and opened her brown eyes that were closed before I ran in. Her parents are muggles, and they are both dentists. She has nightmares about this, because she has a phobia of dental hygeine. (Hermione is in Gryffindor.)

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit?" Snape demanded angrily in his cold voice. But I ignored him.

"Harry, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped. Probably because I misspoke and should have shouted, "Harry, I can't believe Draco cheated on me with you!"

Draco's POV… I think.  
I don't know why Ivory was so mad at me. I had gone out with Harry (I'm bisexual and so is Ivory) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, a stupid goffik fucker. We were just good friends now.

Back to Ivory's POV. Maybe.  
"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Harry.

"Yeah, right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility (ability to have children) to Draco and then I bursted into tears.


	9. Tik Tok

AN: HAPPY EASTER UNLESS YOU AREN'T CHRISTIAN OTHERWISE JUST HAPPY APRIL 4

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where Draco put his shoe in my cardboard box.  Then, all of a sudden, Voldemort started flying towards me on a broomstick.

"No!" I shouted in a voice but then Voldemort shouted, "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Hermione's cat shot out of the end of my wand and started hissing and clawing at Voldemort's face.

"Ebony," he yelled, after getting the ginger cat off of him. "Thou must kill Harry Potter!"

I thought about Harry and his green eyes and his black hair and how his face looks just like Daniel Radcliffe's. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Harry before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. (AN: Why didn't Rowling think of this? Fuck magic, Dumbledore should have just popped a can in Voldy's ass)

"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled.

"If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"Why would you kill Draco when his dad is like, your best friend ever?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. He crossed his eyes and drooled a bit. "I hath telekinesis." he said cruelly, disregarding the question I had asked. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted.

"Well, why can't you do it yourself?"

"Because I don't want to masturbate!"

wat

"I meant, why can't you kill Harry Potter yourself?"

"Because even though I want him dead, I need a seventeen year old girl to do my dirty work."

Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.  I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do.

Suddenly Draco came into the woods.  "Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing no makeup because he is straight. He looked kind of like a cross between Tom Felton and Nosferatu.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I said.

"That's okay." he said all happily.

Then we went back to Hogwarts while trying to walk and suck face simultaneously.


End file.
